I can't sleep

I had a feeling this was going to happen. I started writing about the things that hurt and anger me, about how pissed off and depressed I feel when I think about being INFERTILE. And now I'm all riled up. I've been this way all day...bouncing between anger and depression. One positive note: I didn't go raiding the fridge like I used to do when I was fatter. FOOD IS NOT MY FRIEND. FOOD WILL NOT COMFORT ME.

So what's bouncing around my feeble brain (this won't be all infertility related):

1. I googled an old flame (one with whom I'm in semi-weekly touch via e-mail, still, although we haven't seen each other in many years) and found a bunch of pictures from his latest vacation. Seeing those pictures was a sucker-punch. There they are, easily together: husband, wife, daughter. He poses with his arm protectively around his wife. He's still so handsome, so much the guy I fell for way back when. Hasn't aged an iota. Wife is smiling, although to me her smile looks tight. She looks like she works out; she has muscular arms and is still slim. The daughter is sixteen: beautiful, well-adjusted, loved. Everyone has gorgeous, straight teeth. They're dressed in pressed Ralph Lauren and they're wearing expensive shoes. So perfect looking. Perfect people, perfect life. At least that's how it looks. I guess it's right and good that he ended up with this woman rather than with me. The same set of pictures with me as his wife would have been very different, I'm sure. I'd have probably dragged him to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, followed by a massive yard sale tour of the South, and ending with a visit to Graceland. Feh, whatever. I'm kind of sick of thinking about this guy, which I do far too often, for I think he still owns a piece of my heart. But maybe it's not him. Maybe it's what he represents. That fucking perfect ideal. My life is so far away from that. I really don't need or want a perfect life, but goddamn, I'd like to have something I want. SOMETHING. It seems like whenever I want something too much, that's exactly what I don't get. Whine, bitch, moan, complain.

2. Over these four plus decades of my life, I have LONGED for a clear spiritual connection to God. I really want to be near to God, to have God love me and help me and be there for me, listening, pointing, whispering, helping. I've tried so hard to be close to God. But I'm coming to the conclusion that God doesn't want to be close to me. If God wanted me, He/She would give me ears to hear, so to speak. But my spiritual ears don't work. I'm deaf that way. If God whispers in my ear, it's so faint I can't hear it. I really am amazed when I see and hear people evangelizing, etc. I know of people who've gone overseas to try to win souls for Jesus. And I think to myself...well, if I can't even convince my own soul that God listens to me, how on earth could I evangelize to others? During my last church-going spate, I found it so hard to answer the questions, again and again, about why I don't have kids, why didn' t my husband come with me to church, why? I had and have no answers. WHY??????????

I think it would take so little to make me happy and fulfill me. But I really think that God messes with me on a regular basis. So much struggle for so little reward. I want many things that aren't going to happen for me. I'm broke. We're worried about how to make the next mortgage payment (yes I'm one of THOSE people). You know now about the whole kid thing. Our marriage is suffering and might fail. I feel like I live in hell's outer screened in porch, unable to escape, only able to breathe when I get outside for a minute.

So I should try to go to bed now.

I want to be good and right and follow the rules so that my life aligns with God's will, but he seems to be taking a hands-off approach. So I've been doing the best I can with what I've got.